Archive for January, 2013

Not Today

Posted: January 8, 2013 in Uncategorized

Since starting this blog almost two months ago, I have tried to make it a point to post at least every week. Of course, since then, I have been unable to live up to this commitment because my body is freaky. 

Unfortunately, I will not be able to post this week (minus this one), possibly the next, because, well, I’m sick. I’m not writing this just for sympathy, but only because I want to let you all know why there will not be a post. Cystitis, possible flu, cancer. Yeah, not sitting very pretty currently. 

Keep your eyes peeled for the next post. God bless.




Ever since I began this journey I can recall so many poignant moments, either wonderful or dreadful. Like the afternoon I was told for the very first time I had cancer, or when I was able to share my testimony on a Youngstown news broadcast, or when I had marrow sucked from my bones, or, this being the most vivid, my first healing and the Promise that followed. But one memory I sometimes entertain, either in pain or reflection, is the memory of me lying in my bed, the smoldering hot summer after I had been diagnosed for the first time. Night or day, it did not matter to me, I laid sprawled on top of my covers, hoping for the weak breeze of my ceiling fan to cool me,  spewing my guts from the chemotherapy and burning with agony over my swollen knee where the tumor was. I whispered to Him, “God, please, kill me now.” I was going to turn fifteen that July.

That memory still sticks to me as if it had happened yesterday. During that bout, my whisper changed to a more darker version as my treatment drudged on, “God, let this cancer kill me.” And with that constant thought I began to actually believe what I was thinking was the truth. I would never finish high school, never go to college, never get married, and on the sad musings went. I even wrote the itinerary for my own funeral. I made sure to make it a memorable one so I could drain out every tear from the mourners.

I was quite lost, confused, and hurt during that year. Praise God He rescued me before I did anything drastic. I didn’t realize it then, but I was searching, asking the question, “What’s the point of living? Why do I have to do this? Why? Why? Why?” And I question, what normal, rational person has not thought this at least once in their lifetime? I shared my specific example of how this question can wiggle it’s way into the mind. But for thousands of years, humans have thought, rationalized, and debated this point. What is the point of our existence?

The modern atheist pronounces the common theme that “We are born. We live. We die. That’s it.” That is the their answer to this inborn question, that life is meaningless. Don’t worry, I’m not going to go into a speech debating this point, but I find that three-fourths of this saying is true. Now let me explain; I agree with them that when we live, we acquire earthly things. Wealth, power, cars, even family. But when we die all of those things will have been for naught. In the Bible, King Solomon wrote a whole book on this very thought. The second verse of Ecclesiastes sums it up:

“‘Meaningless! Meaningless!’, says the Teacher. ‘Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless.'”    -Ecclesiastes 1:2

To read over this verse, and even the whole book, one could think that this seems quite dismal and depressing. Does the Bible really say this? Yes, it does. However, we have only been looking at life skin deep. Understand, there is so much more that goes on in our hearts and souls that many never even realize it. The seeds we sow in this life will be the crops we reap after we die. See, our bodies may die and all the things we worked so hard to get will be equal to nothing.

But our souls will live on. This brings us to a point. What have you been living for? Have you been wasting up your life only looking for the things that will make you happy? Or have you been living the True life God intended for you; to serve and honor Him. To love Him and to love all those around you, even if it means giving up everything you have here on earth. Jesus said these are two of the most important commands we are to live by. Every single choice we make has an impact on how we live and where we will go after we die; to be with the Lord or into eternal punishment.

The urban missionary who lives in Detroit devotes all that they have in order that others may know what it means to live. Even if it means giving up money, energy, time, and even their own personal safety on a daily basis. Many may see them as fools. But God sees them, and so many others like them past and present, as heroes. They are the ones that will reap the greatest after death.

A very deep question, I know. I haven’t even scratched the entirety of the true answer. But I can say that I no longer ask for death because I know that whatever happens, death or life, I hold a Truth that nothing can take away from me. And this is where I find solace and peace. Do I make mistakes? Heaven help me should I deny it. I am a terrible sinner. But God is merciful and loves me so much. And He loves you just as much no matter what choices you have made in the past. You see, Satan will be the one to remind you of all the terrible junk you have done. But God is the one who reminds you of all you could be. And it is never too late to listen to God and follow.

Life is not pointless. So live like it has a point. God bless.