Walking The Line

Posted: November 24, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

Many years ago, a young and aspiring artist named Johnny Cash wrote a catchy little diddy called “Walk The Line”. Although simple in lyrics, Cash expressed the difficulty he faced everyday but emphasised it was all for his love, his wife (funny thing, he was doing drugs and adulterous-type things when he first began singing this song). A line from the song goes, “Because your mine, I walk the line.” I suppose, in some ways this is a perfect idea of what I face. It is the idea of doing the noble thing but also being very close to oblivion. It is also this tension between what we ought to do and what we are tempted with or even what we want to do instead. But while Cash sung for his wife, I face the temptation of insanity.

Insanity? Really?

Yes, after years of my body being beat and faith being tested, I believe I have reached a point where the intensity of all that this has created gave way to a perfect opportunity to give in to the sweet callings of nothingness. Where I am the center of my own little world and where the putrid smell of death lingers in my nostrils. Of course, on my darkest of days this is where my demons come out to play, to play with my mind and my heart.

They call out, “what’s the point of living? You’re going to die anyway, your parents standing over your cold, hard body. Just give in, worm food, you are what matters most right now in your life, right? Just end it all and get out of this pain-ridden world. Trust us, it’s the best. No more cancer, no more doctors, no more chemotherapy, no anguish, no more nights of weeping.”

Usually, attacks like these come when the night is the darkest, when my mind is the weakest, and where evil smells blood. But even now, I think, ‘How do I ever survive such nights?’ A curious notion, to be sure. But I do. It’s not like I know the process, but it eventually ends in the LORD. I suppose the darkness begins it’s regression when I just cry out, ‘God, where are You? Why have you left me here to die?’ He replies, as He always does, with a loving and patient answer. He has already promised healing in my body, a life of ministry, and His own Word (You can read about this promise more in the previous post). And the funniest thing happens: after I get over my “dur” moment of “oh yeah, I should’ve known that”, a spiritual comfort envelopes me and I eventually drift off to a peaceful sleep. It is times like these that keep me from the edge, from crossing the line.

So, in a way, I, like Cash, walk the line constantly; a battle between a sane, life in Christ or a mindless, suicidal, insane existence of all my own, dipped in pure evil. Some of you, especially if you’ve walked down similar paths, may relate to such intense barrages of the enemy. Or, perhaps you’ve never experienced such things. But that’s okay. We all have our own battles, at different levels, at different times. But God has made a universal promise to everyone who believes in Him, regardless of our unique paths, that He is with us. His Word says:

“Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths you are there. If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

If I say, ‘Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,’ even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for the darkness is as light to you.” Psalm 139:7-12

So no matter what line you may be walking, He is there. It is only by the power of God that I can stand tall and full of life, not bent over my knees, drooling onto the ground. I pray that if you, the reader, have never experienced this awesome and life-giving power, that you will find it. Find me on Facebook and send me a message if you’d like to know more. If you feel like you are skirting that edge, that line, all you have to do is reach out your hand in faith and there He will be. God bless.


  1. Seth says:

    Fantastic post Nick. You’ve inspired me. Your writing ability is superb and your level of understanding The Lord and the scriptures is fantastic. Keep writing my friend you have a gift that is to be shared with the world. God bless.

  2. Mary Jo Loveland says:

    11/24/12 Dear Nick, a public blog might not be the place to have this conversation (maybe it is because I’m not sure I could get through it) but here goes – the depth of your life has already exceeded whatever the length of it may be. At age 20, you have experienced more, handled more, read more, examined more and figured out more than most people three times your age.
    I know that the Lord’s prayer says “Thy kingdome come, Thy will be done” but we are really hoping that the Lord’s will is the same as ours – that you will have total healing and be with us for years and years and years, which we know is a millisecond in the universal spectrum.
    That being said, here goes – if that is not God’s will – even with faith and wanting to rejoice for YOU, we will be broken-hearted. Our only consolation would be that you are NOT suffering any more emotionally or physically and that you will be held in the arms of the One who created you and the ONLY one we believe can take better care of you than we (your Mom, your doctors, your family) can; that you have the answers because what you have believed is now seen.
    Because of your words and your actions you have changed, if not outright saved, lives. Your witness has introduced or reinforced or reignited people to the God you know to be. It’s been the kick in the pants to those who are whining about the inconsequential. It may have been the magnet that pulled someone else off of that precarious edge back to fight in the light because he believed if you can do it, so can he. Perhaps you were created for solely for this mission. That’s an awfully big burden to place on a fourteen year old. These six years have been a roller coaster for sure. You’ve had the ups and downs but have still managed to be amazing.
    I am still going to hold out for the healing my mortal mind believes you deserve. It would not be fair to deprive the world of the future contributions I know you would make, the lessons you have for us.
    So for whatever is coming up, you have my love, my hope, my respect. Whatever we can do, we will. Please let us know what that is if we can’t figure it out on our own. We love you very, very much. Grandma Jo and of course, Poppy.

  3. Judy Hostetler says:

    Nick…you blog is so inspiring. I cannot commend you enough for your steadfastness in the face of adversity. Seeing you face this battle focused on God brings tears to my eyes. He is constant. He is faithful. He can see the entire picture when we cannot. I pray for you daily and want you to know that you are touching many people. God is using you in a mighty way to reach people through this valley. Praying for you and your family.

  4. sheldonbeilke says:

    Nick my friend, you are a gifted writer. We are hoping and praying for you. We love you. And all I can say is this, that as you continue to walk the line, the Lord still has his hand upon you. He is with you through all things, and when you are at your absolute weakest point, He is still there, even stronger. The fact that you wrote this post and put your emotions into it tells me that you still have much fight left in you. Greater is He that is in you than he that is in this world.

  5. Bob and Irene says:

    You have more faith, wisdom and strength in your 20 years than anyone I have ever met. God Bless You as we continue praying.

  6. Dad says:

    I am reminded of an old saying, “It is usually darkest before the dawn.” This happens to be true spiritually as well. I am believing that your greatest days are ahead of you!

    Your post also reminds me of the scripture Deuteronomy 31:6; “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s